I've decided this will be my last post at "everywordmeans(Love)".
To sum up:
Things are changing for me.
The anniversary of my mother's death is Sept. 25th. She'll have been gone a year then.
I will soon be shedding my skin and leaving this shitty one-horse town I grew up roughly at around a month from this day.
In the meantime, I'm "flying by the seat of my pants" to garner enough money to adequately make that change, and I plan to do everything in my power to accomplish it.
It'll be hard work to manage it, because I have very little in the way of resources:
No car, no place to stay; I'm going to be in be homeless shelter temporarily until the move.
There they will furnish me with the ride to and fro my intended workplace
(Telemarketing), just enough that I can get my ass in full swing and make something good happen for a change.
These are all speculative plans, though... because none of it is worked out in stone,
and to be honest the whole endeavor frightens me, but what frightens me worse
is the stagnancy of my current life, and this area (Dennison, Ohio), which has NO and I DO mean NO jobs available.
I've been living in a wasteland for years now, in denial of a sort, trying to bloom where I was planted. But the harsh reality leaves me no choice but to transplant now. There's no fertile grounds for me to grow here. It's all droughted and shrivelled and arid.
This is probably one of the most "diary-like" and forthright, honest posts I've ever typed into this Livejournal, and it strikes me that it's a fitting end to it, because I plan on hopefully being more open in general as this new change in hope and direction takes place in my life, and I will try my best to be less obtuse and cloaked in the new journal averiguar
... although I may not be able to post there as often as I do this journal in the meanwhile, but....
Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that a recent someone who I fell head-over-heels madly, insanely and truly in love with online has more or less spurned my affection, and it caused me to rethink this whole online persona business. (And a whole lot of other things besides!)
This is not to scapegoat her, however, because the reason for her loss of passion toward me is generally nebulous even to HER, so she has not wronged me intentionally or anything.
In fact, she's been the most kind and lovely person I've ever met, which (as I'm sure you know) only makes the distance between us even more poignant. I still talk to her daily, and (of course) pine and wish and pray and hope that the feeling will return.
But yeah. I do this knowing in all probability it won't. I'm not naive, just....human.
Since this is my last post here, I just wanted to say thank you all for the years of enjoyment here, and I know there'll be plenty of times I'll come back to look over this part of my life and reminisce or something (God, how I hate that word "reminisce"! -and all it's past tense connotations and saccharine sentiment! gah! :)
If anyone here happens to see this and doesn't realize I've moved on, you can find me at averiguar
And I leave you now with three musical selections. One for her, one for me and last but not least: one for you all!
Sade (Lovers Live) "King of Sorrow"
A surprise for my friendslist.:)
"...and burning toast and prunes"? haha!